On Fandom

In my post on unrequited love, I briefly touched on the subject of my current reflection: the relationship between fans and their admired artist. This is an issue very dear to my own heart, and one that I think needs a little bit of exploring, though I will be focusing on actors solely in this post.

To begin with, it is important to recognize that there is, and must almost always be a distinction in the mind of the one who is admired between their fans and their friends. This is often a hard thing to do, as fans seem always eager to please, and can often appear genuinely interested in the individual. This is a dangerous illusion.

(Now, while it is possible for a fan to overcome this initial illusion and actually cross over into friend territory, this is extremely rare. Such a break from pattern is likely only in circumstances where the fan was a friend prior to the admired becoming successful, or in the case where they have always been more interested in the person than his or her various personae.)

The real danger of fan-actor relations is the tendency for fans to equate the actor with his or her roles. This is not a conscious behavior, but one which tends to coincide with a fan’s desire to live a life of fantasy. Thus, they may become obsessed , and not even with a real person. They may love the actor for the hot, caring persona they portray on tv, rather than the real human being underneath that, whose hair is usually a mess and who occasionally falls asleep with their socks still on.

There is really nothing as disastrous as a disillusioned fan who has finally seen the real person rather than a role. Most of the time they will either deny what they have seen, or move on to others to admire shallowly. But the most dangerous are the ones who lash out at the actor for “not being who I thought you were.” While few of them become violent, their outbursts and seeming betrayal can destroy an actor’s confidence and self image, which often hinges on the opinion and esteem of others.

Really, it is ridiculous to assume that an actor is who they portray. This shows a childish form of reason that is sadly quite common among many in my generation, and leads to many misunderstandings.  But the job of an actor is to act, to be other than what is. Therefore, it is not the actor’s fault that their fan base experiences what I like to call “extreme suspension of disbelief”. He or she is just doing their job.

So how can an actor who loves his or her fans deal with the constant heartache of disillusionment? Again, the easiest way is to keep up barriers, to separate their fans from their friends. Many actors use this method to great success.

But there are other methods. To some, such barriers seem cruel and unnecessary, and while I would argue that this is a naïve way of thinking about it, I can understand their desire to be kind to their fans. In such a case, the best method is to be as good a person as possible, so that when a fan inevitably causes him or her pain, the actor will still have the support of all the people who do know and care about their real self.

-COR

 

On Good Companions

DISCLAIMER: What I’m about to discuss in this blog post may seem a bit cruel to some. For sure, it is a hard thing to write about. But I assure my readers who are personally close to me that none of this is about any of you in particular. This is a philosophical abstraction, and concerns a few of my own demons: people from my past and past mistakes I have made. Those of you who are my current companions are most likely not involved.

One of the biggest mistakes I personally have made in my life is in the poor selection of companions. By this, I mean that I often find myself drawn to the sorts of people that are unhealthy to get involved with.

Some of my readers may wonder if such a thing exists. After all, people are people, and we are called to love each other, no matter who the other is. But there is a difference between loving a person and getting involved with a person. You can love and will the good of someone from a distance, aloof. Once you get involved with them, and make true bonds of friendship, there is significantly more on the line.

So what do I mean when I refer to bad companions? I am not here referring to the kind of person that most people are told to avoid: violent individuals, drug abusers, mafia members. . . but rather the more subtle kind of bad influence: the overly-needy individual.

It is so easy to get involved with needy people because at first it feels awesome to be needed. The bonds formed seem stronger, more passionate, than any you have ever had before. It is easy to think “This person really loves me, really appreciates me for who I am.”

But this is not really true. While needy people as a rule are not malicious (and in fact can be extremely nice people), they can cause great harm to an individual. On the conscious level, they may very well feel love for you, but beyond that, you become just another tool for keeping them afloat. You can never give enough to a needy person to stop their needing. They will take and take until either your self-preservation kicks in and you tear yourself away (a painful process that hurts both of you deeply), or you have nothing left to give and they turn to the next person who can provide for them.

Unfortunately, it is these types of people our modern society produces (and urges us to surround ourselves with) through the cult of individual entitlement and victimization. Victimization is, in fact, the most dangerous byproduct of our obsession with psychology: I act a certain way because something terrible happened to me to make me this way. There is no room in such a worldview for personal responsibility, or the choice to become a stronger, better person.

This is why it is important for strong, grounded people to surround themselves with others like them.

It is not wrong to need other people in your life. But it is wrong to suck the life out of them to make yourself feel better. Needy people are simply impossible for an individual human person to save.

-COR

 

The Choice Called Unrequited Love

There comes a certain point in everyone’s life where they must stop and look back on the choices they have made. More times than not, disturbing patterns of behavior will appear, patterns that warn us to beware of making the same decisions when similar choices manifest again. We can either choose to ignore these patterns, or learn from them, like a lab rat learns which button makes food and which brings a shock.

One of the most troublesome patterns in my own life is the twofold pursuit of misery: the choice of an unsuitable companion and the choice of unrequited love. The former will be addressed in another post.

Many would argue that unrequited love is an accident, not a choice. After all, who would choose to fall in love with someone who could not possibly love them back? Can you really choose whether or not to fall in love? I suppose the latter question must be addressed first.

While it is impossible to decide who you will be attracted to, there is a difference between attraction and love (a fact which I have stressed several times now). Love takes time and a conscious choice. Therefore, it can be argued that you can indeed choose with whom you fall in love.

Now, as to who would choose unrequited love, I believe that there are quite a few people like this. One can argue that all fans of celebrities fall into this category, as they can never hope that their admiration is returned (especially as they often aren’t enamored with a real person, but a character. . . another blog post on that point later), and we can say the same thing about those who fall in love with characters from their dreams. As for the situation where an individual is in love with a real person for themselves and is not engaged in any fantasy, the situation is a bit complicated, but not uncommon.

There are several reasons why an individual would choose that path. Many times, it is because they don’t think they are worthy of a true and lasting affection, and instead pine after someone distant as a way to prevent themselves from being completely lonely. Other times they are simply afraid of rejection. In my particular case, I believe it springs from a fear of happiness coupled with poor self-confidence. But no matter what the cause, the end result is heartache.

So how can an individual prevent this choice from being made? This is a difficult question to answer. But the best advice I can give is the same advice I would offer for any other situation: be brave. Gain confidence. And learn to find the love you deserve. No one really deserves to be alone. Mankind was not made for isolation. The only true cure fore love, as Thoreau put it, is to love more. And to love more doesn’t mean to love that person more, but to love someone who returns that love.

-COR

 

On Doubt

There is nothing more distressing than to be an otherwise successful person who is constantly in doubt of herself or himself. When you are a well-liked, respected individual, people seem to think that doubt stops somehow, or that your skin gets thicker. It’s as though by being someone who is admired, you are supposed to lose that inclination towards poor self-confidence. Many of the crowd think it’s absurd that you would have any doubts.

But here’s the truth. Doubt happens. It is an insidious tyrant that reigns in the hearts of even the strongest people. In fact, sometimes, the stronger you are, the more you doubt yourself.

I am not saying that doubt is necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it prevents people from doing something stupid. But there are other times when doubt and fear turn us away from good things, things we should do or say. Life is about calculated risk, and if we cease to make risks because we constantly wonder if it’s the right thing to do, we eventually stop really living and just glide by in mediocrity.

When I find myself falling into doubt, I sometimes like to think about particular saints. St. Thomas More is one of my favorites for this (and oh, what timing! It’s his feast today!), because he always followed his conscience above all else. He was most certainly a man with doubts. It’s hard to be that much of an intellectual giant without having a few. But through constant prayer and dedication to what he believed to be the right course of action, he prevailed over them. Of course, from a secular standpoint, he might not be the best example as his story ended with him losing his head to the wrath of Henry VIII. But I still think that doing the moral thing and following Truth wherever it leads you is worth more than dying old and toothless in your bed.

So in the end, it is imperative that, when faced with a decision that could change our lives forever, that we proceed with caution, but always follow the truth even when we are afraid or in doubt. 

-COR

 

On The Life Fantastical

I have often wondered why it is so easy for many of us to get drawn into a fantasy world. By this, I am not referring to reading fantasy novels or watching movies. Nor am I referring to a blatant lie of sorts. Rather, I mean willing ourselves into a reality separate from that which really exists.

For instance, I may believe myself to be a superhero, or the last remnant of a forgotten race. Sure, there’s no evidence to support this, but that may not stop me for wanting it so badly that it becomes real to me.

I think one of the reasons behind such a delusion is the human desire for the world to make sense. The hero should get the girl. The lost wallet should be found still full of money. The victim should be saved. That is how it is supposed to work, right?

Well, what happens when it doesn’t? Sometimes the hero never quite works up the courage to tell the girl how he feels, and the girl is too traditional to pursue him. Sometimes people steal from each other. Sometimes the victim suffers, and it seems that this suffering is needless and ends only with death. How do we face a world where the story isn’t as pretty as we would like?

There are two ways we can deal with it: face the world for what it really is — a struggle until death– and overcome these obstacles to find true fulfillment, or pretend that we are already fulfilled and ignore them. Unfortunately, many people (myself often included) choose the latter path.

This is a great shame, a tragedy. Why? Because by avoiding the hard times and the struggles, we actually lose the story, as well as ourselves. The drama is gone. There is no reason to continue living in a world without obstacles. To attempt this leads to ennui and despair.

It does not have to be this way. Every hard moment, frustration, and troublesome fear is an opportunity for heroism — that is, to become the main character in our own lives, to struggle, and to overcome. If the hero is afraid of reaching out to the girl, he must overcome his fears and pursue her. If the wallet is returned empty, the owner must move on and work to earn back what has been lost. If the victim is suffering without aid, he must will himself to overcome even this (or find someone who will help him if he is not strong enough).

When we as a culture learn this lesson, we will truly be a culture alive. Apathy will fade. And we will regain Truth.

-COR

 

On Fidelity and Love

It seems a bit strange, I suppose, that a single individual like myself would address an issue like fidelity. But I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and, well, I was due for another blog post.

So what does fidelity mean? In the context I wish to discuss the term, it is referring to faithfulness in a human relationship, specifically of a romantic nature.  This is something that seems to have been generally tossed aside in our current culture of “follow your heart”, and I think that the loss of fidelity as an expected part of human relations has led to some pretty serious wounds in the way we look at love.

For, the truth is, we as human beings should expect fidelity from our partner, and they from us. There is no excuse for shacking up with someone while already committed to another. It doesn’t matter if they’re your soul mate or not, and I say this as someone who firmly believes in soul mates. Because while you’re off chasing the new prospect, the person who has been faithful to you (and who may, in fact be a better match for you in the long run) will be torn apart and fade away like so many shreds of rice paper. To ignore this person is both selfish and cruel beyond words.

How should we then conduct ourselves in love? First of all, we must acknowledge that love is not a feeling or an emotion. As I have stressed many times, it is a willing the good of another for the sake of that other. It is not for our sake that we love, and not for anything that that person has done or achieved or how good they look in a sport coat, but because they are them. Therefore, love (in the sense that it is love and not lust) is never wrong, blind, or twisted.

Attraction, on the other hand, is an emotional drive. This can easily be twisted into all sorts of forms if we are not careful with it. I do not mean to say that attraction is evil, only that it can be misguided, whereas pure love never is.

Now that this distinction has been made, we as human beings must utilize both the emotional attraction (feeling of the heart) and the pure love we carry within ourselves (calling of the soul) to bind ourselves into the state we refer to as romantic love. But the reason of the mind must also accompany this to enable us to balance ourselves (sort of like the three-pronged federal government is supposed to work), and to ensure stability and continued fidelity.

I will write more on this topic as time allows me, but I believe that this is a good place to end for the day.

-COR

 

The “Hidden Self”: Does Anyone Really Know You?

The short answer: Yes.

And if you’re asking this question, you’re not alone. The idea that no one knows an individual’s “real self”  is a common fantasy, especially among those who rely on external factors to define themselves (whether this is because they are extroverts or simply introverts who seek approval from others varies from person to person). I do not use the term fantasy lightly in this case. While many people are made miserable by this particular concept, it is still in many senses a satisfying thing to think about oneself.

But how does this fantasy come about?

In some cases, it manifests as a way to save others we care about from truly letting us down. That friend who hurt me so deeply didn’t understand they were causing me pain not because they were too self-involved but rather because they did not know who I am. I can’t trust this person’s love because they are in love with an illusion I project, not because they are a weasel.

In other cases, it merely serves as an isolation from what we perceive as a cruel world which hates us. I have to hide myself because no one could ever love who I really am. I should act like a jackass in public because otherwise people will devour me.

(I should point out here that this fantasy is not a sign of mental illness, at least not a mental illness distinct from the insanity we all suffer from as human beings. Everyone goes through this in some measure or another. It’s nothing unique. . . or rather, each person is unique, but not because of this.)

Of course, there are many other reasons why people feel this way. But the motives are not nearly as important as what comes next.

How does one break free from this? I have a few suggestions:

1. Don’t Fear Other People. Paranoia or shyness are difficult to overcome, but it can be done if you possess a strong will and a big heart. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they will understand you even when you don’t quite get yourself yet. Sure, due to the incommunicability of the human person, no one will be able to truly become you (or even think exactly the same way), but they can sure as flowers in springtime understand you. And most of the time, the more honest you are, the more they will like you, because

2. No One Really Likes To Be Out of the Loop but they love being in it. Tell your friends some of your secrets, fears, or desires. Small ones are fine. Just make an effort to prove to them that you trust them, and give them an opportunity to prove that they love you in spite of any horrible flaw you see in yourself. Most likely, that’s a much smaller flaw then you think it is (just like that huge zit on your nose you’re sure everyone’s been whispering about).

3. Pray, meditate, or do whatever it is that you do to communicate with the divine. This helps more than anything else. If you don’t believe in the divine, well, that’s probably part of your problem right there. Otherwise, there is nothing more therapeutic and life-changing than putting trust in something or Someone stronger than yourself to help you. It makes everything, even being a genuine person, much easier.

Please, hang in there, and know that if you need an ear, you can always come to

-COR

 

The Power of Words

It has been a while since my last entry. I suppose I should take the time to explain that, due to the nature of this blog, I will be updating only when inspired, so it will not be updated on a regular basis. But tonight, I am inspired.

Tonight I would like to discuss something that has been bothering me for some time, and that is the overuse of certain powerful words to the point where they no longer possess meaning. I am not talking about swear words, though curses are certainly an example of this. No, I am instead referring to good things like compliments and terms of endearment.

Take, for example, the use of the words “I love you” as directed at a friend. While it is indeed true (or I should hope is true) that you love your friend, this is an improper use of the term. Why? Because, let us say that, some time down the road, you happen to fall in love with this friend. How will you tell them? You would surely not say, “I had philia for you. Now I have a combination of agape and eros for you.” No. You would sound absurd, unless you were Greek. And an Ancient Greek at that.

You would instead tell this friend that you loved them. But how are they to tell what you mean? The whole situation is a crazy mess, and the reason is an over-use of a powerful romantic phrase as a normal reply to some endearing thing a friend has done.

What is a better alternative? Well, perhaps using the phrases “You rule” or “You’re a great friend” are better for this scenario. They offer less confusion and allow the normal social interaction between individuals to continue without ambiguity.

Maybe some of you would argue that I’m being picky, but I think that the danger of stripping words like love of their power is a real and present one. And what will we be left with when it is gone?

I shiver to think of it.

Please, respect the power of words and choose them carefully. Only you can prevent etymological entropy.

-COR

 

On Suffering

I have been thinking a lot lately about what suffering is and what the proper response is to that suffering.

If we can look past the initial emotional response to it, suffering is a daily occurrence. Sometimes we experience small sufferings (such as dropping a heavy book on our feet, or getting cut off in traffic). Other times, we suffer greatly (losing a loved one or being persecuted for our beliefs, for instance). But in all cases, this suffering offers us a choice: we can choose to back down and avoid this unpleasantness, seeking to rid it from our lives. . . or we can embrace it and use it to rebuild ourselves as stronger individuals.

In our society, suffering and pain are greatly feared. This is only natural. If pleasure is the god of our culture, pain would be the devil.

But, deep down, most of us know better. Or at least we should. It is so easy to get caught up in the hedonism around us, and it is often simpler to just join the herd and pretend that what they call red is red, even if it is in fact blue.

But red is not blue. Blue is blue. And pain is not the devil. The devil is the devil.

Pain, therefore, must be something else, something other.

What, then, is pain? Not something to fear. Rather, it is something that gives us a chance to truly live. Can we say that our lives are really worth all that much if we walk away from every obstacle, preferring to be mediocre rather than excellent? Is it not the mark of a truly great individual to overcome great trials?

Of course, there is a point when we cannot face our suffering alone. Some mountains are too high to climb without ropes. Nor should we have to face some things alone. I would not, for instance, walk up to a young rape victim and tell her to walk it off. Nor would I tell a crippled, malnourished child that he just isn’t trying hard enough. That would be both absurd and cruel. People who suffer greatly should be aided, not ignored.

But why is this the case? Why should we help the helpless? Would not the logical thing to do be to ignore them and work towards our own survival?

See, that would be good from a naturalistic point of view. Unfortunately, the supernatural intervenes here: that pesky thing known as the soul will not stand for such practicality. When the soul sees another suffering, it suffers as well, making it impossible for us to completely ignore that person. We can still choose to override it and walk away, but we will never be truly happy with that. Why? Because we know that we must help that person. It is our duty.

But, duty or no, our goal should never be to rid the world of suffering. It should be to give every person the strength to overcome their trials. There is a crucial difference here.

We must always remember that suffering is not a problem. It is an opportunity. To forget that is, in a way, to forget how to be human. It is to forget how to be a hero, for a hero is one who overcomes. And even the strongest hero sometimes needs a fellowship.

-COR

 

The Original Code Of Riza

Repost from my old blog: originally May 3, 2010

I have now come to the point in my journey where I must begin to set a proper code of conduct for myself so as to best reach my potential. The following is my new rulebook:

1. Never Lose Sight of Who You Really Are. I have often stumbled about in the mists of fantasy and self-indulgence, forgetting that I have a purpose and losing direction by wandering off the right path. If I hold on to the core of myself, I know I will always come back to where I need to be.

2. Don’t be Afraid of Failure or Success. It is substantially easier, though less fulfilling, to lead a mediocre life, barely scraping by on natural talent and the kindness of others. But while I have been able to skate by in some things, my life will get even more complicated next year when I graduate college. When that happens, I can either flap my wings and make for the open skies or stay in the nest and be a child forever (but only a child insofar as not maturing. I’m pretty sure there’s no way to turn back the clock there.) I will aim for those beautiful and terrifying skies, and I will not give up if I fall to the earth the first time or the first twenty times.

3. You Must Take Care Of Yourself First To Take Care of Others Later. This is a hard one for me, because I’m so concerned about my friends that I often neglect myself. I must remember that there are people who depend on me, and if I let myself crumble because I’m pushing my limits in an unhealthy way, they will suffer as well. When I have a family of my own (which I desire more than anything), this will be even more important. Related to this:

4. You Must Be A Beautiful Woman. I cannot forget that I am blessed with charming good looks and (when I bother to take care of it) a curvy-in-all-the-right-places figure. I am decidedly female, and I should stop trying to change or hide that. That means no more dressing up as men and most certainly no more letting myself get fat just because I’m lazy. I deserve better, and the man I’m going to marry deserves better (whoever the heck he is). Wearing makeup is a plus too.

5. Be the Friend You Wish You Had. See previous blog post on this one.

-COR